Gaz’s day 14b: Whitby to Sunderland

Day 14
Date Saturday 21st July 2012
From Whitby
To Sunderland
Mileage 70
Weather Mild
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  54.915698, -1.382904 Gaz\'s day 14b: Whitby to SunderlandDay 14 Date Saturday 21st July 2012 From Whitby To Sunderland Mileage 70 Weather Mild Every day, every day I write the book Well like the true champion he is Costello in true Cavedish style takes the accolade for the final stage and there are some out there who know that’s a real special song for me (Directions)


Every day, every day I write the book

Well like the true champion he is Costello in true Cavedish style takes the accolade for the final stage and there are some out there who know that’s a real special song for me

So to the colour jersey awards. Now I don’t believe the other tour has a black shirt for the bad boys of the tour but if they do they keep it well under wraps. They should think about though, probably sponsored by George Osborne or Harold Shipman, hmm that’s a bit harsh I guess but if you lot go for it then I want a cut of the profit

But there is in my tour and for me there’s a few likely contenders, the old Yorkshire bat who overcharged me for my burger in Staithes and with the withering glower of evils would be right up there, the Daves of Whitby too of course but they’re in for another shirt and for some time, just like Wiggo it was lookin like the t*sser in Middlesboro who caused me to chew tarmac against my wishes who would romp home with this one with plenty to spare. But no, right at the death (hmm what’s that about true word said in jest), like a true stage sprinter nipping off the back of the leaders wheel and hitting the hammer comes Rail Southeastern for their immaculate timing of sorry sir but this train terminates at Faversham, causing me to have to cycle the last 9 miles home, brilliant, absolute feckin brilliant

Can you imagine same conversation between Team Sky Manager, Sean Yates and the Great Brad, sorry Mr Wiggins our coach stops here and would you mind awfully lugging your bike and kit down them steps and up another set then pedalling home, no I don’t think so. Hang your heads, you’re no friend of me or my mates. Black shirt is yours easily

So now to the more glam awards

Let’s start with the King of the Mountains and there’s only one in the frame, I don’t know his name and I can’t get close to his grief but the truly humbling story from the guy setting off a helium balloon with a message for his son lost at sea off the Humber will stay with me for a long time, that’s one hell of a mountain you’ve had to climb pal, massive respect and the famous polka dot shirt for you

Next up the green shirt for the powerhouse speedsters. Wayhay and above all other contenders for this beauty has to go to the troupe of Daves from Whitby, never in the history of man have I seen so much jagermeister and so much old peculiar thrown down so few necks with so much speed, take a bow Daves, all six of thee

Now to the white jersey for the best newcomer. Quite a few contenders for this much vaunted shirt. Starting with Wells Next Sea, despite silly and unneeded clarification – I won’t go into that again but I did go through Loftus and do they need to add a bit on the end to avoid unsuspecting, seriously stoopid highly overpaid premiership footballers turning up expecting to pick up a blue n white hooped shirt … … oh yeah I said I wouldn’t go into that again so moving on. Nice try WNS but not this year and too old anyway but loads of charm

Several others I could mention, the chef in the pub in Whitby if I could remember either his name or where he worked, damn those black dogs, the Daves again get a mention here. Ha Ha said the clown, who wrote those crappy words, dunno, possibly Herman and the Hermits and what a crap name for a band, I mean how the feck do they go on tour if they’re freckin hermits and was it Julie Covington who sang send in the clowns well dear don’t bother in Whitby cos they’re already there, especially the Dave who said that the road out of Whitby wasn’t too bad – he forgot to mention only if you’re driving a four by four or a tractor

No the white shirt goes to my pikey mates Aaron and Robbie and I’ve just checked your facebook mate, great pictures of you, your proper old romany caravan and two rutting stallions trotting down some motorway. That was an awesome night and I really hope you got what you were after and that your aim was true and your half pikey mate Aaron is one of the funniest blokes I’ve met, I’ve never seen such a classy but obviously desperate pulling strategy in all my life – you too share that beauty of a shirt with honour lads

Now to the team prize before the biggie. This one has to go to Whitby, it had everything – an amazin n cheap place to stay, a fantastic sunset over a great beach, smiling happy faces, best fish n chips and yep the bad old black dog that was my downfall

Having said that the shirt was nearly lost cos I got soddin fed up of being asked if I’d done the 199 steps. Them that goes from close to pub of the black dog to top of hill, old abbey and YHA

Have you been up the 199 steps, no oh you must – now if I’d heard that once I’d heard it, well probably 199 times and it was getting my goat which is strange cos that was one animal I hadn’t seen this tour despite the mountainous conditions. I digress. But why be so eckin proud of it, the steps not the absence of goats though lord knows in a Christian world we live in why would you need a goat when there are plenty other things for a ritual …… oops there I go again

No, it would be something to be proud of if they’d managed some space-age techno escalator that churned out, the only way is up or down, down deeper and down depending which way you were going of course or if they’d even managed to get Stanna in that would have been something to be proud of but no, sorry Marcial I reckon them b*stard 199 + steps will still be there when you come through

Never the less a worthy winner of the team prize a la Team Sky

And so to the maillot jeaune 2012, cheers all round and tossing of cycle skidlids in the air please

Well the super star receptionist who battled against all odds to get me a b n b when everywhere was full is in the breakaway group

So is the pub at the end of the world, Kilsea, well worth staying there Marcial

And then there’s Brenda at Scarborough, a lovely old woman about the size and shape of a heavyweight sumo wrestler who came and chatted with me outside Sainsburys as I was diggin into my spicy chicken pasta. Not only did she laugh, almost spontaneously at my joke about having already finished and won the tour de france cos I just kept going when everyone else went to bed but asked her not to tell anyone cos Bradley Wiggins would throw his le teddy out of le pram but she also could recount the exact details of each stage of this year’s tour, where it started and finished in perfect french accent and who won it etc, almost as immense as her Clive must be, see below

She also gave me a crackin story, which will cost you a JD if you want to hear it, about her husband who she described, with no hint of irony as a “lardy arsed layabout stuck to the sofa!”

Nope not even that monumental thrust for the line wins the real badge of honour, nor Ray who, bejeezers has cycled from northern Norway on his own with full kit including tent, sleepin bag, kitchen sink, you name it he had it, a mere 3000 friggin miles

Not even the kind young lad who picked me up off the road, got my chain and bike sorted and sent me off in the right direction. But you are a Hero and with an attitude like that you’ll make many friends through your life

So, no real quelle surprise here the proud winner and wearer of THE yellow jersey for the tour 2012 goes to Marcial Boo, step forward mate, accept the flowers kiss them gorgeous French fillies (be honest Wiggo that’s why you push yourself each day and who wouldn’t) put the maillot jersey on and wear it with much earned pride – there were times when I doubted this venture like the near death experiences on the dual carriageway out of Middlesboro but such a great inspirational idea, I love it so thank you and I want to see you wearing it when we meet at Berwick upon Tweed next year

So here’s to 2013. Cue again fade out of the guitar solo from ‘the chain’ …. dum do da dum diddly dum, dum.




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